Hello,
Just joined this tribe. I am always searching for a close female friend. I have had a few good close friends in the past but for one reason or another we have gone our separate ways.
I have come to realize I am looking for some one like me. Thoughtful, likes to be alone, intelligent, likes to philosophize and theorize. Someone who doesn't mind me canceling at the last minute or who is not a big let's do lunch or coffee person.
On one hand I think that is small minded. I think if I surround myself with people who are just like me I am limiting my experience. On the other hand I have not met many people who are not like me who I want to be around.
Many people think they know me. I am a cheerful, spirited person but I am the most happiest in my own company (with my 2 cats). It only took me almost my whole life to figure this out and to embrace it.
My previous therapists would tell me I wanted to be married, or I wanted to have someone in my life and analyzing why I don't want to go to social gatherings with my family. I realize now it is not so much the family but the very act of going out, having dinner, desert, etc. and being chit chatty about whatever.
I think I do rather well if I stay 1-2 hours (anywhere). I think the longest I stayed at some gathering or other was 3 hours.
I love this quote and often think about it when I am coming home to my sanctuary:
“I feel the same way about solitude as some people feel about the blessing of the church. It’s the light of grace for me. I never close my door behind me without the awareness that I am carrying out an act of mercy toward myself.” —Peter Hoeg
So many people do not understand me, but so what, I understand me.
Anyone else out there have similar experiences?
Nancy.
Just joined this tribe. I am always searching for a close female friend. I have had a few good close friends in the past but for one reason or another we have gone our separate ways.
I have come to realize I am looking for some one like me. Thoughtful, likes to be alone, intelligent, likes to philosophize and theorize. Someone who doesn't mind me canceling at the last minute or who is not a big let's do lunch or coffee person.
On one hand I think that is small minded. I think if I surround myself with people who are just like me I am limiting my experience. On the other hand I have not met many people who are not like me who I want to be around.
Many people think they know me. I am a cheerful, spirited person but I am the most happiest in my own company (with my 2 cats). It only took me almost my whole life to figure this out and to embrace it.
My previous therapists would tell me I wanted to be married, or I wanted to have someone in my life and analyzing why I don't want to go to social gatherings with my family. I realize now it is not so much the family but the very act of going out, having dinner, desert, etc. and being chit chatty about whatever.
I think I do rather well if I stay 1-2 hours (anywhere). I think the longest I stayed at some gathering or other was 3 hours.
I love this quote and often think about it when I am coming home to my sanctuary:
“I feel the same way about solitude as some people feel about the blessing of the church. It’s the light of grace for me. I never close my door behind me without the awareness that I am carrying out an act of mercy toward myself.” —Peter Hoeg
So many people do not understand me, but so what, I understand me.
Anyone else out there have similar experiences?
Nancy.
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Re: Finding Friends.
Sat, June 28, 2008 - 6:22 PMI just joined as well. So glad to have found this place! Finally I'm among like-minded people!!
I posted this earlier in the blog section so please forgive if you've already read:)
I'm twice-divorced (I trried, really, I did)! SMILE and I've had two other very fulfilling, long-term relationships with men here in my adult life, but in hindsight, I really think I subconsciously sabotaged all of these relationships because they asked too much of me -- i.e., the "relationship life" in general -- and I have since been alone now for seven years -- and I'm 44!
It doesn't really bother me that I'm not "with" someone, because I don't get lonely; I really enjoy my own time and actually feel extremely relieved when each weekend arrives because it means I will have all that time to myself.
But once in a while, I'd like someone to maybe be there for emotional support, love, etc. -- just NOT ALL THE TIME!
Pet peeve: Other people's families and friends. It just drove me nearly out of my skull to have to spend precious otherwise relaxing time with all these people! And the crowds and noise and having to be on your best behavior just threw me out of sorts every single time.
I'm also childless by choice; even at a very early age, I just knew instinctively I did not want to load up my life with kids. It's just not my thing at all. I love cats, and that's about it.
I'm an only child and have always had a loaded imagination, and I was a normal kid who liked to play with my friends, too, but I was pretty much always ready to go home when the time came!
I've thought of joining a celibate website in order to find others like myself (also have low sex drive due to anti-depressants and early menopause) and I keep going on dates once in a while when I find someone intelligent, funny, can speak correctly and has good hygiene, and seems to have some of these qualities, but when it comes down to it, most men are weirded-out by this "alone-thing."
I'm a smart, fun person with a highly intuitive, philosophical side, and I'd love to have those middle-of-the-night talks I used to enjoy about the Universe, God, the meaning of it all, etc., and I really wish I could find some lovely man who might agree to "live next door" (or at least in another wing of the house) exclusively -- so that we could both go our separate ways when we wanted to be alone again.
When I'm alone, I read, play guitar, take naps, watch films, meditate, dream, write, eat, and do otherwise normal (albeit largely indoor-related) things. Though I am self-employed, I have to keep a day job for the extra $$ and benefits, so a great deal of alone-time is also spent pursuing my freelance career.
I'm a Pisces, and I'm also extremely interested in anything related to the paranormal, so a lot of time goes toward just learning about new things -- so much so that I've labeled myself an "information addict."
Does anyone have any ideas regarding how to be alone yet maintain an autonomous, interdependent relationship?
Thanks for listening.
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Re: Finding Friends.
Mon, July 7, 2008 - 7:59 PMCath,
I just wrote a whole page of stuff and when I went to preview it I lost it. I am not going to rewrite right now (it is 11:00 p.m.) but I wanted to post this to let you know someone out there in computer loner land has read your post.
It sounds like we have a lot in common. I will post tomorrow.
Nancy.
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Re: Finding Friends.
Wed, July 9, 2008 - 7:35 PMHi Cath and Nancy -
I just joined too and have a lot of the same history that you two have. I've been a loner all my life - raised wth 5 siblings - but still had to retreat to my room to recharge after too much interaction with others. I still have to retreat and recharge. I'm creative - singer/songwriter, graphic artist and work at home - all of which makes me very happy. But the greatest challenge is with relationships. I usually date someone an hour or two away from me so I can spend weekends with them and then the week alone. But, eventually they need and want more and talk about marriage or moving in together. That is usually the beginning of the end of the relationship. Is it possible for a loner to be happy in a marriage? I don't know. It would take another human being with extraordinary self esteem because I know sometimes my needing along time (lots of it) feels like rejection of the other person. -
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Re: Finding Friends and also a little bit about AA.
Thu, July 10, 2008 - 7:07 PMHello:
It has only been the last 1-1/2 years that the awareness of me being a loner reached the surface. I have a history of smoking pot and drinking – mostly to feel okay in my own skin.
I joined a 12 step group and I would say it took me about 2 years to get the program. Another three years to get to know myself (although I was always a self-reflective and phillosphical person) and work on “things.” And then I started my downward spiral into the worst period of depression I have had in my entire life. I have suffered from clinical depression most of my adult life but did not treat it (unless you count drinking as a treatment) until I got sober.
At the time I was involved in a relationship and we were living together. We broke up and I moved back into my condo. I found a new doctor (psychiatrist) and I started getting better. I also stopped going to meetings which is a sin if you follow the dogma of AA. AA really stressed fellowship which I suck at. I am good for about 5-10 minutes chit chatting but then it is time for me to fly.
I tried to fit in because I was taught that if I stop going to meetings I will drink and isolation is bad bad bad. So for people like me (loner) I was screwed from the beginning I just didn’t know it. Well my depression became just as bad as my drinking days and AA could not help me with my depression, although many believe it is a cure all for everying – if you “do it right.:” .
So I finally decided to screw AA, drop the therapy and just accept me the way I am and live like that for awhile because the other way surely wasn’t working. I have never been happier in my life! Why – because I don’t surround myself with people. I am sooo happy in my own company and the more I realized that the happier I became. Just think, accepting myslf just as I am, what a concept! But I get unwanted and unasked for opinions from people– my mom calls me anti-social – I am not against society – I just don’t like to be part of it.
People still insist that deep down “I really do want to be with somebody.” I do have a lover I see for a few hours here and there. He is away a lot of the time and we enjoy each other’s company and are both quite happy when we are also apart from each other’s company.
I feel so free now. As I review my life I can see the signs were all there, my loner self was desperately trying to be heard “stay away from these people, stay away”. But drinking drowned her out and then AA drowned her out but now she is front and center and I love her.
Nancy.
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Re: Finding Friends.
Mon, July 21, 2008 - 12:00 AMHi...I've just joined this tribe aswell. Didn't know some people feel the same way as I do. I don't mind being but I also like to have company, to be open to someone whoI trust and can open up to...I think im more introvert bc I tend to keep things/feelings to myself and its really hard for others to understand the way I am. Ppl think I need to socialize more, but I can't change the way I am and I can't change the way I feel...I just wouldn't be myself anymore. I sorta hate myself for it...bc I end up loosing relationships with ppl whether it be close/best friends or boyfriend...The thing i hate most is the fact that I always feel sooooo bad about myself for being this way, for feeling this way. I feel so unwanted and unaccepted. I always feel that im not suppose to be this way...bc im very conscious about how other ppl judge and see me...PLEASE HELP!...Could I get some advice on relationship wise aswell? THANKS -
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Re: Finding Friends.
Mon, July 28, 2008 - 6:23 PMHello and Welcome.
It took me quite a while to feel comfortable in my own skin, with who and what I am. What strikes me in your post is you state you "sorta hate myself for it." That is sad but I have been there before. Sometimes we have other issues. Are you a loner because you choose to be or because you are not comfortable socializing. Do you have other issues which might inhibit your ability to trust people?
I recently read the book "A Party of One - The Loners' Manifesto" by Anneli Ruifus. I really enjoyed it because it helped me see I'm not the only one like me out there. I'm not the only one who hurriedly runs into my house so i don't have to say hello to the neighbor.
I would highly recommend this book to you. it might make you feel a little better of being and accepting who you are. It is much easier to enter into any type of relationship when we are okay with how we are. But of course, if we waited until then we might never get there.
To Thine Own Self Be True.
Please keep me posted.
Nancy.
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Re: Finding Friends.
Sun, August 17, 2008 - 4:59 PMNancy;
I understand!! I've never enjoyed the chit-chat, small talk thing either. The longest that I'm able to stay at a party is 3 hours, unless I'm having an unusually fun time(rare).
